I want to run away

It's days like today that I envision myself packing a bag and catching the first bus out of town.  I think if it weren't for my boys, I could.  I know that sounds awful, it sounds awful to me! 

I just can't do this anymore. 

I can't take the rages.

I can't take the ups and downs. I hate seeing her happy as a clam one moment and a evil monster spewing obscenities, clawing and growling the next.

She is obnoxious and difficult to control.  An example:  She picked up a heavy metal chair and launched it across the room at me! She's just 6 so the chair didn't go very far, but what am I going to do in 2, 4, 6 years???  She is only going to get worse and more difficult, if not impossible to handle by myself.  Damage control will be much more difficult. 

I said a prayer today during her rage:  "Thank you God that she is the youngest!"  I can't imaging having younger children around that I would have to keep safe from her.

We started a new medication on Friday. A mood stabilizer called Trileptal.  Could this be the result of that change????  I was assured it was very rare to cause these kinds of problems.  We were told "Either it would work, or we wouldn't see any changes at all".

I'm just not buying it.

...there are calm days among the storm.

Yes, almost as if I'm IN a fairytale.

Today, Kit has smiled.  She has laughed and there have been *no* rages.  It's awesome.

No, things are not perfect, but she's a child! The difference is, she is behaving like a typical 6 year old right now.  Arguing with her siblings and balking because she cannot watch TV all day long. *grin*  I openly welcome simple disagreements such as these.

It's so wonderful to see the sparkle in her eyes.  It's so often missing when the big dark cloud hovers over her head.

I wish every day could be like this.

Maybe she could control herself?

.... unfortunately this is not a fairytale and she cannot.

As I sit here typing this I am watching little Kit in the other room spinning, jumping, darting from one side of the house to the other.  She giggles dramatically or lets out boisterous screams as if she loves the sound of her own voice.

If you didn't know better you'd probably think this child suffers from a pretty bad case of unmedicated ADHD, but we know better.  You see she isn't always like this.  One day she is, the next day she's walking around with a little black cloud over her head.  Very down and angry about everything in the world around her.

As I try to write this post, I have intervened several times as the things she is doing are unsafe. Things such as climbing to the top of furniture and jumping.  Messing with or getting in the face or even climbing on one of our 150+ lb. dogs. (Mastiffs)  Trying start her toy on fire with the candle that was lit on counter.  Things she knows very well are not allowed and are outright dangerous, but she simply can't stop herself.  If we were out and about, she would be touching everything in sight or darting out in front of cars. 

Spanking does not help, time out is a joke.

It's barely 10am and I am exhausted.

6 year olds don't need Psychotropic Medications

...unfortunately,  this isn't a fairytale and some 6 yr olds do.

I believe the Celexa is finally out of her system now (after going off it cold turkey 7 days ago) and we can clearly see the difference between her with and without it.  Neither one is very pleasant.

Without the Celexa:  We have "Black Cloud" girl.  She is very dark and moody.  Extremely irritable.  Anyone who looks at her is sure to get screamed at.  The entire family walks on eggshells around her so as not to set her off almost as if she is a ticking time bomb.  Frequent, severe rages and very impulsive.

With the Celexa:  We have "Crazy Hyper" girl.  Bouncing from one wall to the next.  Cannot sit still.  Racing thoughts; cannot stop talking.  Cannot sleep.  She definitely seems happier, but it's way over the top!!  The Psychiatrist (Pdoc) thinks this was actually signs of Mania or Hypomania, thus why she had us take her off of it immediately. Kit will likely have a Bipolar dx in the future like her birthmom- though we're not ready to go there just yet.

Now that we have "Black Cloud" girl back, I am even more convinced that no amount of good parenting or special classes are going to help our child.  I'm starting to really feel like we're doing the right thing.  I mean, if your child has Asthma you wouldn't hesitate to treat them with medication right!?  My child has a mental illness (and likely FASD) and if she requires medications to help her function then who am I to deny that? 

*SIGH*...  why am I still battling such an internal war with myself about it!?!?

...there are never horrible, rotten, no good, very bad days.

Today, was one of those days.


I knew from the moment I opened my eyes that it would be based on the high pitched screams coming from the living room.  Yes, by 7am I can usually determine the mood in the air and what our day will likely entail.  I usually put a smile on my face and greet her with happy greetings hoping to turn her mood around, but it never works. Unfortunately.

One of my boys is currently in Physical Therapy twice a week for some pains in his ankles.  I absolutely DREAD taking Kit along.  It is an hour long and she simply c.a.n.n.o.t hold herself together that long.  Unfortunately, today I had no choice.

As we piled out of the car it became clear to me that we were going to have serious issues.  First she refused to get out of the car.  I took her hand and led her out, grabbing her pink princess backpack filled with art supplies and books to help keep her entertained.  She screamed, yanked her arm away, ran to the other side of the car and got back in.  She sat there pouting with her arms folded across her chest.  I knew at that moment it was going to be a battle and I was quite nervous about it because these battles (in parking lots) often lead to her darting off without any hesitation or concern about CARS.  I hesitated, turned and told my son to head on inside.  I knew I would need to tread very carefully here. I leaned into the car, sternly talked to Kit explaining that we needed to inside.  I gave her a choice, asking if she wanted to carry her backpack in or if she wanted me to carry it.  THAT went no where so I changed strategy and tried to bluff her.  I said, I'm going inside.  If you don't come with me, you're going to be in this very hot car all by yourself!  (Disclaimer:  I would never actually leave her in the hot car for any amount of time.)  She didn't take the bait which kind of surprised me and well...to make a very long story short, I basically had to drag her in.


Then I sat there in the waiting room for over an hour while being kicked, pinched and hollered at.  Her opositional behavior was over the top. 


"I'M THIRSTY!  I WANT A DRINK OF WATER!"


me:  I'd be happy to give you a drink of water.  Here.... (unscrewing the cap)


"NO!"


me:  (rescrewing cap)


"I WANT A DRINK!!"


me:  You said you didn't want it!?


"YOU WONT LET ME!"


me:  I'm happy to let you have some.  Here... (unscrewing cap)


"NO!!!!"


You get the picture.  After about 5 minutes of that game I was done.  Of course, anyone that walked in the door after that point probably thinks I'm the worst mom ever for not letting my poor child have a drink of water! 

I'm completely raw by now.  Tears began streaming down my face and I was seriously contemplating what I would do with her.  The Pdoc is out of town for the week, I feel like my hands are tied!



She laid across the couch in the living room and grumpily colored in one of her books.  Her feet kicking at me every so often as if she needed me to know how grumpy she was.  Every time she couldn't find the right color crayon- it was MY fault and she would scream at me.  Once even reached over and slapped at me! 


The tears came flowing some more. A woman sharing the waiting room with us, watched my daughter as if she had 2 heads.  I'm sure she blames me.  I mean, why shouldn't I be able to control a 6 yr old!?!?!


The whole way home I cried silently to myself.  I feel completely helpless when she behaves this way.