I want to run away

It's days like today that I envision myself packing a bag and catching the first bus out of town.  I think if it weren't for my boys, I could.  I know that sounds awful, it sounds awful to me! 

I just can't do this anymore. 

I can't take the rages.

I can't take the ups and downs. I hate seeing her happy as a clam one moment and a evil monster spewing obscenities, clawing and growling the next.

She is obnoxious and difficult to control.  An example:  She picked up a heavy metal chair and launched it across the room at me! She's just 6 so the chair didn't go very far, but what am I going to do in 2, 4, 6 years???  She is only going to get worse and more difficult, if not impossible to handle by myself.  Damage control will be much more difficult. 

I said a prayer today during her rage:  "Thank you God that she is the youngest!"  I can't imaging having younger children around that I would have to keep safe from her.

We started a new medication on Friday. A mood stabilizer called Trileptal.  Could this be the result of that change????  I was assured it was very rare to cause these kinds of problems.  We were told "Either it would work, or we wouldn't see any changes at all".

I'm just not buying it.

Maybe she could control herself?

.... unfortunately this is not a fairytale and she cannot.

As I sit here typing this I am watching little Kit in the other room spinning, jumping, darting from one side of the house to the other.  She giggles dramatically or lets out boisterous screams as if she loves the sound of her own voice.

If you didn't know better you'd probably think this child suffers from a pretty bad case of unmedicated ADHD, but we know better.  You see she isn't always like this.  One day she is, the next day she's walking around with a little black cloud over her head.  Very down and angry about everything in the world around her.

As I try to write this post, I have intervened several times as the things she is doing are unsafe. Things such as climbing to the top of furniture and jumping.  Messing with or getting in the face or even climbing on one of our 150+ lb. dogs. (Mastiffs)  Trying start her toy on fire with the candle that was lit on counter.  Things she knows very well are not allowed and are outright dangerous, but she simply can't stop herself.  If we were out and about, she would be touching everything in sight or darting out in front of cars. 

Spanking does not help, time out is a joke.

It's barely 10am and I am exhausted.